Dying

How do I look at death?

Do I look at it sideways and try to avoid seeing the whole of the time that was, freezing only on the moment rather than the run-up and the aftermath.
Do I look at it straight-on, acknowledging the enormity, sinking under the hugeness of the change it has wrought and feeling internal barriers crumble to dust and distress.
Do I avoid looking at it except for a quick glance, occasionally, when it impinges on the everyday, thereby sparing myself the pain and inability to see any worthwhile future.
Should I be cheerful about it and tell people that it was peaceful, a dignified passing, just as we all hoped and which everyone wishes for themselves.
May I be mournful, sad and estrange any incipient well-wishers or fellow mourners with tears and bitter remonstrations against fate.
Dare I be truthful and tell them that it was a dreadful illness with a shocking death, fought against with all her will until the morphine rendered her unconscious and all that remained for us was to listen to her laboured breathing and gently stroke her dear, familiar hands.
May I be resentful, angry and tell people how much worse than theirs is my loss, and expect their continuing understanding and sympathy.
Must I be comforting when her many friends and acquaintances wish to speak of her, share memories, tell me how much they miss her and how unreal the loss of her is to them.
Do I have to acquiesce with the reassurance that she is in a better place and in the company of those she loved who have gone before, when I know for certain sure that she loved us too and wanted to remain right here.

How do I look at her death?